Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Addendum to Young Will's Hallowe'en Spree, pt. 3

When you're exploring the goods and giggles of the retail Hallowe'en experience, especially if you're chronicling the adventure for your Hallowe'en pub, you take a lot of pictures.

Funny items, stupid items, baffling items.

You take them all because you don't know which you'll use for the 'blog -- and because you just want your own proof that some manufacturer thought Gummi Brains filled with Bloody Candy Fluid was a good idea (ironically, though I use that as my example I do not actually have a picture of that item, which can be found at Walgreens).

But there were a few things I noticed on our last trip for which I had no room to comment on our last installment, and I felt the need to tack this one on.

Does anyone else find the current trend in bland or baffling product names annoying (and disturbing)?

For example:
That's right, zoom in:
I mean, mummies are many things, but 'ominous'?
What's ominous about something that cannot move its hands?
The description is a bit nebulous.  
Nebulous Mummy would be as good.
It's probably just as well -- most of the people shopping for it 
out here would probably think 'ominous' meant 
the mummy was Jewish or something.
Also, the word 'ominous' begins to look very strange 
the more you look at it.

Forbidden Fabric. Really?
"Oooh, look at those windo--"
"HEY! That's illegal! You can't do that!"
The Verboten Valance. 

A Giant Ambush Spiderweb.
Yes, 'ambush'... because you'd never see 
that web coming.

Hanging, sure.
Creep, okay. Looks more like Oogie Boogie, but he
was kinda creepy too, so I'll go with that.
But... Possessed? 
By what/whom? I see no little sixes, 
no pea soup projectiles, no spinning heads.
It's a GHOST. Should've called it that.

I didn't get a shot of the actual hat, because it was simply a hard felt 
set of different colored cowboy hats with sequined bands.
But 'Howdy Honey Hat' is just trashy.
"Howdy, honey! Buy me a beer/light my cig?"-kind-of-trashy.
Also, Howdy Honeyhat was a character from The Wacky Races, I think.
Probably the one dressed like a Hooters girl always wanting everyone to 
buy her a beer and light her cigarettes.

First, why should comb over mean 
Young Horshack Guy Poses Like Old Man
Who Must Be Bitter And Admonishing?
Also, I thought comb over was one word.
I guess my thick head of luxurious hair kept that
information from getting in.

Werewolf Howler Hands?
We tried a million ways to make these things howl.
Does this store want us to think they think werewolves are called
werewolf howlers?

Then comes a series of odd little things. 
Things I actually like, and would enjoy handing out
to little ToTs, but the concepts are a bit weird.

Mice, rubber mice, plastic mice, fine.
Stretchy, though? 

Still not as threatening as this:
Good God! That's a terrifying thought.
An army of stretchy frogs invading our cities!

Sorry, Frog Queen, but this is not as terrifying to me as 
the army of stretchy frogs.
Still, it's a bit shivery.

I get that they're eyepatches with actual eyes on them.
Not too unclever, I suppose.
But what exactly is so 'zany' about the idea?
What kid would want it based on the term zany anyway?
I mean, who really uses that word for anything anymore?

Lastly, this time around, I have to emit a real bronx cheer for 
this manufacturer so badly missing some easy, slam-dunk,
home run item naming opportunities...
God, come on! 
They're Eeriasers!

Say it with me. That's right:

I can understand why they might have stayed away
from this one (had they thought of it, which I know
they didn't!), but seriously, these are

And if you go back up to the pic of the Stretchy Mice,
and look to the right, you'll see the blandly named
Fake Fangs.

Which should be called Fanks.

Yes, fanks.

You're welcome.



  1. LOL! I just love visiting your blog. Always makes me smile.

    Okay - nest of spiders....shudder. Just the thought....

    I have a army/bowl of strechy frogs at my desk. I fling them at coworkers....they are not as creepy as you would think.....except when someone gives them back to me and they are all covered it lint and bits from falling on the floor.....eeewww!!!

    Thanks for the entertaining shopping trip. Lookf forward to the next edition :)


  2. Haha! Oh and hey, listen, I don't think the BAG (or your bowl) of stretchy frogs is creepy, no ma'am -- it's the idea of a *real* army of stretchy frogs on the march that I find FAR more problematic than a nest of spiders... unless I'm IN the nest of spiders and they're real.

    As I recently saw on one of those 'demotivator' posters, "Gia-normous Spiders Are Nature's Reminders That You Are, In Fact, A Little Girl."

  3. Loving these posts!

    I agree...Target's marketing department seems like it's outsourced overseas because some of the products' titles make no sense!

  4. Heheheh!! I must remember to take a closer look at the labels next time I'm out for some retail therapy. I think this makes it clear that the people who write the labels have never seen the products :D

  5. Not sure if the product names were caused by Engrish translations; cutsey names made up by the store CEO's wife; or the product naming staff being attacked by a huge Thesaurus with massive claws-talons-nails and large dangling participles.